Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.