*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
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Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.