*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I am HOWLING at this
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*