*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
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I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.