falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Ah yes. The three genders
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.