families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
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Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.