Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
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DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
hear me out : pockets for your socks
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.