Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
You Might Also Like
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
More like Kate Missington.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.