[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
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I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
“Wait, let me explain..”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
podcasts
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.