Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
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self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
i want the dreams to chase me for once
People buying plungers never look happy.