[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
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I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
😏😏😏
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now