[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
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Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
In space, no one can hear…
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much