[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!