[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
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What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm