Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

#merica

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

mmm onion ringos

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral