[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
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A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King