*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
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GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.