[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
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In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking