Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
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If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Terribly Tuesday.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy