[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
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“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Tuesday
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
😍😂🥰😂😍