Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Cinematography is my passion
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
The first one, obviously
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat