Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash