Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
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Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.