Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
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I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Lmao
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics