famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
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If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Lmao
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
the short answer to this question
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
#growingpains
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse