[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here