[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
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if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
The honesty is refreshing
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.