[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
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Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally