[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
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14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”