[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
You Might Also Like
at ease…shoulder.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”