[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
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A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
#DesignFail
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…