[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
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I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Put the is in disheveled
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.