[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
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I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes