Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
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They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I just love that new Pope smell.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.