[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
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[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Damn he played himself
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
monday
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”