@BoothysTweets

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

You Might Also Like

@stevevsninjas

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

@joetullar123456

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

@NewDadNotes

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

@VanWatz

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

@Crunch11b

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

@NotKarma

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

@jakob_huber

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?