[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
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That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
This 4th of July, please remember…
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
me doing my best
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*