Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
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You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
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14
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into