@UnFitz
@WilliamAder I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
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@WilliamAder 
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
@theNuzzy Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
@daemonic3 [God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
@sfreeze6 Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
@WritePlay I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
@BlindChow COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
@HaliPhacks Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
@wildethingy In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
@NeinQuarterly Europe. Made in Germany.