We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

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[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]


No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch


Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..


It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.


“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”


*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“Who is this?”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”


And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.


cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket


Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.


My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you