@UnFitz

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

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@WilliamAder

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

@theNuzzy

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

@daemonic3

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

@sfreeze6

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

@WritePlay

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

@BlindChow

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

@HaliPhacks

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

@wildethingy

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.