@UnFitz
@KeetPotato [talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
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@KeetPotato 
@SortaBad No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
@zachary_lampley Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
@KizerBillhelm It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
@Shariv67 “I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
@UncleDuke1969 *kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
@PinkCamoTO And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
@Browtweaten cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
@ThRealBallsDeep Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
@VikingJonesy My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you