Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
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[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.