[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
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No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
*kneels to pray*
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you