FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
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People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Dammit Chief not again
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd