Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
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Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.