If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
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me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
What the — a Luigi Board?!
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
this is the greatest thing ever
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.