It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
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Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.
Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous
*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*