FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
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[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.