Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
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MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion