[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
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No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed