Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
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Always
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
BETRAYAL
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”