Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
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Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.