*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
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Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.