fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
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10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
When you let grandma cat sit
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God