[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
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why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Put my back out twerking in the library again
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road