Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
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Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
pizza
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.