fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
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My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Banderslack Clamberdorch
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.